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Your Baby Is Probably Ugly, And People Lie To You

Written by Tony

So, this has always been a topic I have been fairly passionate in, and it isn’t even something I have kept to myself. I have echoed this sentiment every opportunity I have ever felt warranted the occasion (note to myself and readers, at the hospital after birth or a christening aren’t the best place). It is not something I have ever grabbed a megaphone to speak about, or even taken to Facebook to become the most hated man in my town, as I usually leave that title to local officials and pedophiles alike.

However, I usually casually whisper it into the ears of any confidant that is near, akin to when U2’s album was forced into our iPhones several years ago. The type of unwilling forced entry you only see in developing countries by female Mormon missionaries with half-soaked penetrated anuses. Sick as it may be, me and my fiance often revel in those little trolls that grace our newsfeed/wall. In a country where half of our populous comes from the flyover states, what are we to expect? Beauty is as sparse in the majority of our countries foothills as is good hygiene and higher education. If social media is to be a reflection of life, then we must expect that level of repugnance to reach our screens, horrific as it may be. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am no Chris Hemsworth. I am a New Jersey hard 7, otherwise known as an LA 4, or Nebraskan 11.

With all of that being said, that doesn’t mean I can’t be objective when I see what I see, and what I see is a whole lot of grotesque newborns and toddlers, and a lot of patronizing bold faced liars. What triggered this tonight was that I saw another person I grew up with had a child. That kid was perfectly adequate, and will probably grow up to be quite handsome as their parents are rather attractive, but it made me go down the very spiral that has plagued my thoughts for years on end now. Comment after comment of “Oh, he is gorgeous!” or “Wow, what a looker!” rained down on my thread like urine on Aaliyah after the joy of an R. Kelly album release party. Just shut up, no one cares, throw the “congratulations” in there, maybe even drop a heart emoji, and keep it moving. Why are we so obsessed as a society with reinforcing that your friends child is cute, when we all know that Brittany’s daughter is a gargoyle. Also, once you do it for one kid, you have to do it for all of them, right? I would notice that shit.

Could you imagine birthing a child and putting them on social media, in search for adulation and public praise like a Julia Rose thirst trap, and noticing that the same people who commented on Mike Nolan’s crooked eyed gremlin, don’t sing the praise of your baby? You’d have to take a hot bath with a sharp knife, no?

This blog has certainly gotten away from me, but I just want to wrap it up by saying that it is okay to have an ugly baby, and it is okay to not praise a baby (who isn’t even fucking reading the post) for their good looks. Fucking bizarre that we do it any other way.

Do with a baby picture of me below for reference as you will. Comment below out of 10 how hot I was as a newborn, because that seems to be the norm now.

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