Personally, I consider myself to be a major sports guy (AKA an alpha, AKA not-a-dork, AKA a real guys guy) but due to my overwhelming patriotism, this election has been all that’s on my mind these past few days. Well, that and the ass of Addison Rae, but that caboose is always clanging around in my dome, so it’s really nothing new.

As expected coming into the election, there’s been major controversy surrounding the mail-in ballots. But like, why are we doing ANYTHING by mail these days anyways? Like dawg, I’m 18 if you think I know how to address a letter, and send it in the mail you are certainly mistaken. So obviously, there’s gonna be controversy when we’re selecting the leader of the free world through this archaic system.

We’ve got missing ballots, stolen ballots, ignored ballots, or maybe the whole thing was done ethically, I don’t know, but what I do know is that this whole thing is a complete shit show. So liiikkkeee, why don’t we just bang out this entire election on a google form? As a four time Bernards High School student council voter, I can assure you that the google form voting process is efficient, convenient, and most importantly, it’s secure. Seriously, there was only one instance of voter fraud in the four elections I voted in! What a ratio! And honestly, I’d put a red flag next to the historic BHS election fraud of 2018 because Brian Winkleberry really had it coming. The kid was a total dunce and had no business being treasurer of the junior class that year.

So yeah, I really think google forms are the way to go for future elections, enough with this mail-in bullshit. I’ll even volunteer to whip up the survey for everyone — I’m pretty familiar with the platform and think I could spice up the aesthetics of the ballot. You know, throw in some more color, maybe a GIF here and there, I’ll see where the creative process takes me.