Who’s hyped for The Bachelorette Tonight???

Written by Noah Gagnon

Get hype, boys the best day of 2020 is finally upon us. That’s right, we got the first Tuesday night football game since — lol jk, it’s Bachelorette time, bitches. I’ve gotta say, after seeing the trailer, I’m ECSTATIC for this season. We’ve got tears, we’ve got cancelled rose ceremonies, we’ve got toxic masculinity, and we’ve even got Chris Harrison uttering the words “you’ve just blown up the bachelorette,” and I am ready for every second of all the drama. 

Let’s talk about our bachelorette for a second. Meet Clare Crawley, who will be walking into the house at a powerful 39 years of age, claiming her the title of oldest bachelorette in history. Let’s be honest here, a 39-year-old bachelorette puts a pretty solid damper on my anticipation for the season. Like, what’s she gonna do, educate the audience on Reaganomics? Optimistically speaking, it’s gonna be pretty hilarious watching some 19-year-old hunk of testosterone trying to convince a woman who lived through the Challenger explosion that he’s the guy for her.  

The question to me is: how are they gonna work around COVID? Are they gonna be wearing masks every time they’re in public? Because I’m not trying to watch these wannabe celebrities french kiss through a cloth mask. And what if Clare tests positive? Is there gonna be some hero guy who tries to prove his worth by quarantining with her, thus contracting COVID for himself? We should honestly be concerned here, as a 39-year-old, she’s dangerously close to being at high risk age. Or, what if in the final four, three dudes test positive or something? Does the one guy who was smart enough to occasionally wash his hands just win by default? Screw this, man. Add The Bachelorette to the long list of things the pandemic has ruined. 

COVID and the fact that The Bachelorette is old enough to be a mother of three aside, I’m still pumped for this season. If seeing Chris Harrison on a TV doesn’t bring a smile to your face, you seem like a dud who hates entertainment, go watch a football game, nerd. The cool kids will be tuned to ABC at 8/7c for a drama-filled night with our friends Chris and Clare. 

About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.