Coronavirus Lifestyle

What’s the Best Disinfectant to Take Internally? Coronapocalypse Clues for the Clueless

Written by Mike Rickard II

With the coronapocalypse still causing concerns for millions of Americans, WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump’s recent remarks on possible internal applications for disinfectants has led to some unorthodox home remedies. According to The New York Daily News:

An unusually high number of New Yorkers contacted city health authorities over fears that they had ingested bleach or other household cleaners in the 18 hours that followed President Trump’s bogus claim that injecting such products could cure coronavirus, the Daily News has learned.

The Poison Control Center, a subagency of the city’s Health Department, managed a total of 30 cases of possible exposure to disinfectants between 9 p.m. Thursday and 3 p.m. Friday, a spokesman said.

None of the people who reached out died or required hospitalization, the spokesman said. But compared to last year, the number of cases was worthy of a double-take. According to data obtained by The News, the Poison Control Center only handled 13 similar cases in the same 18-hour period last year.

In case you missed it, the former host of Celebrity Apprentice was holding an update on the United States’ efforts to corral COVID-19, and seems to have started freestyling. According to a report by Reuters:

WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump’s remarks appear to have confused some folks pursuing home remedies for the coronavirus.

Trump said at his daily media briefing on Thursday that scientists should explore whether inserting light or disinfectant into the bodies of people infected with the new coronavirus might help them clear the disease.

“Is there a way we can do something like that by injection, inside, or almost a cleaning?” he said. “It would be interesting to check that.”

Trump, who once had his proxy wrestler Bobby Lashley battle Vince McMahon’s proxy wrestler Umaga at WrestleMania XXIII in the epic “Battle of the Billionaires” clarified his remarks the next day, saying he was joking. Not since Ronald Reagan’s famously joked “during the Cold War, My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes” has America enjoyed such a good laugh.

Regrettably, too many Americans are confusing Donald Trump’s often sage advice with medical advice. You may recall an elderly couple that ingested fish tank cleaner because they mistakenly thought it was a cure for the coronavirus. It’s important to remember that we have “America’s Doctor,” Tony “No Baloney” Fauci to rely on when it comes to medical advice.

Left (“America’s Doctor” Tony “No Baloney” Fauci. Right, not a doctor)

In the interest of helping those thinking over which household disenfectants might work best for killing coronavirus, I’ve put together a quick overview of which household disinfectants you might want to choose for internal consumption.

Zero! As in don’t ingest or inject any household disinfectants unless you want to enter the great wide open.

Zero! * That’s right! There are no household disinfectants you should be consuming or injecting into your body unless you’re looking for a painful release into eternity.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for a pleasant release into oblivion, consider my time-tested recipe for Long Island Iced Tea:

  1. 1 oz. vodka
  2. 1 oz. rum
  3. 1 oz. tequila
  4. 1 oz. gin
  5. 1/2 oz. Triple Sec
Drink responsibly, which means no household cleaners

Use clear booze (i.e. don’t use dark rum). Mix ingredients in cocktail shaker packed with ice and shake. Pour into 16 oz. glass (if you don’t have shaker, throw in some ice cubes) Pour booze into glass. Glass should half full with ice and booze. Fill to rim with sour mix. Top off with Coca-Cola. Stir. Drink before ice melts and you’ll forget your troubles.

Please drink responsibly which means don’t drink household disinfectants.

*Zero can also refer to the number of cares I will give if you’re stupid enough to ingest and/or inject household disinfectants.

About the author

Mike Rickard II

Retired bank robber and author of "Wrestling's Greatest Moments", "Laughing All the Way to the Bank Robbery, "Flunky: Pawns and Kings," and "Don't Call Me Bush Beans: The Legend of a Three-Legged Cat." Pro wrestling and hockey fan. Hired gun for several pro wrestling sites and a top 10 YouTube wrestling channel. Available in regular and extra-strength.