As many of you know, 2020 has been a wasteland of human potential, with everyone trapped inside fearing for our lives and waiting for all of this madness to end so we can rejoice in the form of elicit drug use and debauchery this world hasn’t seen the likes of since those smelly draft dodgers united in Woodstock, NY.

As I was watching the Jets today continuing to rip my soul out of my body by recovering a fumble from Baker Mayfield and continuing to pad a lead that will all but put the nail in the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes. I sat there dejected contemplating the best way to impale my face and castrate my genitals in order to take out my frustrations. As I walked towards my kitchen looking for the best instrument for my self-mutilation, when a commercial came across my sprawling brand new 55 inch Samsung (more on this failure in a later blog, I am still not emotionally prepared to talk about it). It was for a monstrosity coined by the cocaine fueled cowboy (allegedly) John Schnatter, who opened the world famous authentic Michelin starred Italian inspired culinary marvel for meth heads everywhere aptly named Papa Johns. This Frankenstein developed atrocity was called the “Papadia”, which seems to be an obvious cross between a disgusting Papa John’s cardboard slice and a quesadilla.

This is a year where I have seen countless people defy science, and the world at large disintegrate into chaos, but yet the Papadia I could not fathom was possible. As a man who has famously traveled across the eastern states in search of the perfect pizza (which exists at Lucali’s in Brooklyn) I am literally disgusted that Papa John’s has brought this to the table. Both separately delicious and enticing on their own, like a Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck marriage, the quesadilla and pizza have no business of embracing in this strange union of cheese ladened coitus. I will end this blog with a trope that we all know too well, and at this point is simply tired, but alas I have no better comparison. If 2020 were a food, it would be a Papadia.

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