When people think of the coronavirus, they generally don’t think anything good can come of it (other than the pure comedy gold that has become known as the coronapocalypse), but as a newlywed South African couple discovered, they hit the jackpot when they found themselves trapped in a paradise-like resort.

Two Star-Crossed Newlyweds Looking for a Quiet Honeymoon in Paradise 27-year-old Olivia and 28-year-old Raul De Freitas traveled to the Maldives after their nuptials in their native South Africa. Now, if you’re like most Americans, your knowledge of geography is likely limited to 90-mile radius of where you live. It’s not that you can’t learn, it’s just you don’t care (after all, anyone who can quickly learn a Call of Duty or Fortnite map has what it takes to learn). According to my CIA contacts, the Maldives is a group of atolls located in southern Asia in the Indian Ocean. It’s roughly about one-and-a-half times the size of Washington, D.C., but unlike D.C., it is a veritable paradise, which makes it a hotspot for tourists.

Lovers in a Dangerous Time The couple left for their honeymoon in paradise with a bit of hesitation, as it was clear the coronavirus could become a serious problem. The wife, a schoolteacher and the husband a butcher, supposedly were told they had options in case things worsened. A story at Euroweekly News reports:

On March 22 they flew from South Africa, where they both live, to the resort and a few days later the Covid-19 pandemic caused rumours on the island stating that they would have to cut their holiday short to make it back home in time. After contacting the company who organised their honeymoon, they were assured that they would be able to fly back home without a problem, but the reality was from this.

Five days after arriving in the Maldives they were informed that the South African airport would be closing its doors and vetting all flights on March 27 at midnight. Although the couple tried to find a way to get back home, the only available flight was 17 hours with a layover in Qatar, making it impossible to return before the cutoff time.

A Honeymoon from Hell Heaven Picture any apocalyptic movie ranging from The Omega Man to Dawn of the Dead (the George Romero one, not the Hack Snyder shitshow) to Zombieland only imagine the victims are surrounded by a highly trained group of hospitality professionals waiting on their every whim. Sounds pretty good? The couple reportedly did not live together before they married so this was a great way to get to know each other in a five-star resort. So what’s the worst that could happen? Turns out the worst is that they became trapped at the lavish Cinnamon Velifushi Maldives resort, which according to a New York Times article on the stranded South Africans:

Trapped in paradise? Yes I was tired of having fun all the time.

normally is at capacity this time of year, catering to some 180 guests. (“Room rates start at $750 a night,” its website still says.) The resort comprises the entirety of its speck of an island. There is nowhere to go. The couple reign like benign yet captive sovereigns over their islet. The days are long and lazy. They sleep in, snorkel, lounge by the pool, repeat.

The Days of Wine and Roses Are Over. However, despite the hotel reportedly giving the couple a deep discount, the costs were piling up (although in a time when people use crowdsourcing to pay for their goldfish’s cosmetic surgery, don’t be surprised to see people help this couple out of its catastrophe). According to The New York Times:

On Sunday, April 5, according to the couple, they were given an hour’s notice by the embassy, communicating via WhatsApp, to pack their bags. After saying their goodbyes and thank-yous, they were taken by speedboat to another five-star resort, where South Africans in the Maldives, about two dozen in all, are being consolidated. The local government told them it would subsidize a large portion of the cost of their stay.

Is the Marriage Doomed? Despite a deluxe and extended stay in paradise, the lovebirds’ exile could prove problematic for their marriage. As anyone who has been married can attest, the high standards maintained during courtship often lead to more relaxed standards once the proverbial “deal is sealed. ” Not only will this couple have to deal with their partner’s added weight, their increased flatus frequency, and other minor, but cumulatively annoying quirks, but they’ll have to compare their idyllic extended honeymoon to a world full of screaming kids and people complaining that their sliced orangatun was cut too thin.

Where’s my 3pm Mai-Tai?

I’d like to think that in this pandemic-ravaged and mixed-up world that we live in that these two crazy kids can make it, but they’ve got a long road ahead of them. What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.

I’m burning his picture just like I burned his car while he was locked in the trunk screaming.

P.S. For those wondering about the staff working the resort, they are being quaratined now that their guests finally got the hint to leave. According to my sources, the staff was paid for their time on the job.

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