It’s time for the First Annual Can’t Understand Normal Thinking Awards in which I honor the person or persons whose complete cluelessness and combined audacity makes people want to slap some sense into them.
While 2020 has been a complete shitshow, I have had the pleasure of writing for Pro Sports Extra, arguably the greatest website in the history of the Internet. Along the way, I’ve covered the coronapocalypse as well as a number of individuals who just can’t understand normal thinking. Here are this year’s nominees:
Andrew Cuomo: New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo aka “Emperor Andy” used the coronapocalypse as his platform for painting himself as savior to the state, failing miserably when he signed nursing home patients’ death warrants by sending COVID cases to nursing homes where the vulnerable population caught COVID-19 and died in a move that should never have happened. The Wall Street Journal article titled New York Sent Recovering Coronavirus Patients to Nursing Homes: ‘It Was a Fatal Error’ sums up Emperor Andy’s asinine (and fatal) move. King Cuomo’s “do as I say, not as I do” policy of telling New Yorkers to wear face masks while ditching them to showcase his ugly mug became a subject of satire.
The Cuomo fails continued with Emperor Andy admonishing people not to have their traditional Thanksgiving gatherings, only for His Arroganceto admit he was inviting his mom and two daughters over.
Emperor Andy seems like a shoo-in for this year’s can’t understand normal thinking award, but as we’ll see, there are a number of serious contenders.
Ronda Rousey: UFC Hall of Famer turned WWE Superstar Ronda Rousey perfected the fine art of sticking one’s foot in their mouth as seen by two big bone-headed remarks. When the coronapocalypse began, “Rowdy” Ronda delivered some condescending comments about being prepared for the pandemic and pending collapse of society:.
Rousey also found time to criticize WWE fans, calling them f*cking ungrateful and referring to wrestling as “fake fighting.”
Vince McMahon: The WWE kingpin’s disdain for common decency is well-documented but this year he helped take his company to new lows by first insisting on running WrestleMania XXXVII at the height of the pandemic (even friends in the White House and Florida’s governor’s mansion couldn’t help him pull this off) then treating the ‘rona as an annoyance with slapdash testing (and that’s being charitable) that has likely been the reason behind several COVID outbreaks in his company. Equally bad, McMahon purged the WWE of dozens of wrestlers and many more employees, arguing the coronavirus was hurting business (the WWE subsequently posted record profits). Meanwhile, every major wrestling promotion found a way to keep its wrestlers and employees around. Just to dispel any doubt that he treats his wrestlers like dog shit, McMahon told them they would have to either shut down third-party platforms like Cameo or turn them over to the WWE so the company (rather than the wrestlers themselves) could profit from them.
Bernie Sanders: Thankfully, Bernie didn’t hurt himself stepping out of the shower this year, but he did manage to put on his usual dog-and-pony show, raising a number of valid points about social injustice and economic inequality as well as pointing out how his fellow Democrat Joe Biden was the last person who would fix these problems. Once the Democratic Party realized Bernie might pull off the Democratic Presidential nomination, they pooled the many contenders’ votes, sending them to Joe Bidementia and sealing Bernie’s fate. Naturally, Bernie rolled over and quickly went silent on the Democratic Party’s many flaws.
Xi Jinping: The People’s Republic of China strongman has enough to be sorry for whether it’s his country’s determination to leave a carbon footprint the size of Godzilla, its blood-soaked disregard for human rights, or its anything goes policy when it comes to counterfeiting foreign goods. Xi’s prime crime however was his alleged cover-up of the coronavirus, with German magazine Der Spiegel alleging Xi “What Me Worry” Jinping asked the director of the World Health Organization to hold off on releasing news about Wuhan’s coronavirus outbreak. Naturally, China swore up and down that they did no such thing (as did WHO). Despite a variety of crisises, Xi found time to worry about critics who mocked his resemblance to A.A. Milne’s beloved bear, Winnie the Pooh.
Sunny: Former WWE Superstar Sunny (aka Tamara Sytch) finally made it out of Con College in 2020 and seemed to be on her way to securing some serious bank thanks to the P.O.P. (power of the pussy) and nostalgic fans willingness to pay money to peek at her privates via OnlyFans. Sunny stayed true to form, making some racially insensitive (if not outright racist) comments and making an ass of herself. Despite pulling in a reported $100K in just a few weeks, Sunny managed to land herself back in jail.
Congress: Congress managed to show a complete lack of leadership unheard of during one of the world’s biggest health crises in a century, pointing fingers at each other and fighting over who should do what. While millions struggled to pay their bills, Congress sat on its hands, giving out one stimulus check to people and leaving Americans to wonder if anyone cared about them. Rather than ignoring partisan politics and helping out the millions in need, Congress doubled down on party squabbling and stuck it to Americans everywhere.
Joe Biden: Creepy Joe Biden, the result of the Democratic Party realizing Hillary Clinton couldn’t run for President (run, she can’t even walk!) and that Bernie Sanders would expose the Democrats as the corporate shills they are while claiming to be the working man’s party. Joe’s failings are many, ranging from his alleged sexual harassment and/or assault, his penchant for getting touchy-feely with anyone within a square mile, and a history of lies worthy of any attorney or used car salesperson. “Creepy” Joe’s antics this year included him saying “you ain’t black if you vote for Trump” and calling a reporter a junkie.
Hulk Hogan: The Immortal Hulk Hogan decided to share his views on the coronapocalypse earlier this year, letting the public know that the Man Upstairs was none too pleased with the activities on earth.
As I commented in my article on Reverend Hogan’s sermon “The last time the Hulkster was this brutally frank was when he didn’t know the cameras were running.”
Bryson DeChambeau: The PGA seems like one the last places you’d find misbehavior but 27-year-old Bryson DeChambeau (who won the U.S. Open this year) managed to give golf a black eye by some oafish behavior. Bryson, (who has to be one of the most jacked golfers ever) looks more like a WWE Superstar than a golfer, and sadly behaved like a WWE heel after a camera operator filmed him having a meltdown on a course. The Golf Channel’s Will Gray reported on the story.
Bryson reportedly confronted the camera operator then issued the following non-apologetic apology:
“He was literally watching me the whole entire way up after getting out of the bunker, walking up next to the green. And I just was like, ‘Sir, what is the need to watch me that long?’” DeChambeau said. “I mean, I understand it’s his job to video me, but at the same point, I think we need to start protecting our players out here compared to showing a potential vulnerability and hurting someone’s image. I just don’t think that’s necessarily the right thing to do.”
Who do you think excelled as someone who can’t understand normal thinking? Post your votes in the comments section or send me a tweet @MrOldSchoolMike and I’ll announce the winner on Tuesday, December 29.
