NFL

The Dallas Cowboys Play Football Today and I’m Ready for the Heartbreak

Written by Noah Gagnon

September 9th, 2021. The day we’ve all been waiting for is finally here. Football is back, and AMERICA’S TEAM gets to kick the season off against some bums from Tampa. I can’t lie, I’d rather have the Cowboys have their first game of the season against a shitty Giants team on Sunday Night Football, instead of going on the road to face Tom Brady and the Super Bowl champion Bucanners, but so be it. The Bucs can get in instead.

Ok, but actually, I am DREADING this game. Dak’s first game off about 27 ankle surgeries comes against the best defense in the league that’s returning all of it’s starters, we’re missing Zack Martin, the only guy who’d have a chance at protecting Dak, and our coach is still a moron. On top of that, we’re relying on a Rookie linebacker (who’s gonna be awesome), and a new defensive coordinator to save the defense, and they’re having their first games against the greatest quarterback of all time. Tom Brady’s been in the league since Micah Parson’s was in the womb. He’s gonna feast on us tonight.

Realistically, our only chance at winning this game is if the score is something like 45-42, and if you’ve seen any of these opening Thursday Night games in the last decade, you know that’s pretty unlikely. There’s a greater chance of a 13-7 game than a shootout, but we are working with some pretty potent offenses so who knows. All I know is that every time somebody comes within 5 feet of Dak Prescott my anxiety is gonna go through the god damn roof. I’ll be drenched in sweat by the end of the fourth quarter, and I honestly might die tonight.

https://twitter.com/Dylan88Wilson/status/1435932765430636552

But despite my overwhelming anxiety for tonight’s game, I feel FANTASTIC about the boys this year. The fact that they’re plus money to win the division is completely insane to me. They are so by far the best team in this division and it’s not even close. Dak Prescott is competing with Jalen Hurts, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Daniel Jones. What else do you need to hear? And everyone shits on the Cowboys defense, but they kinda figured some stuff out at the end of last year, plus they fired that shitbag Mike Nolan, and Micah Parsons is a beast by all reports. On top of that, with the offense they have the defense doesn’t even have to be that good, they just need to be average and the offense will put up a shit ton of points.

So yeah, I already bet them to win the division, NFC, and the Super Bowl. I AM JACKED. But, because I’m excited going into the season we all know that means they’ll be 8-8 going into week 18, just to the Eagles and miss the playoffs. But it’s week 1, so we’re gonna be Super Bowl champs.

About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.