ARLINGTON, TX- Prior to Thursday’s game against the Angels, Rangers President Neil Leibman confirmed the Rangers would be the only MLB team to not host a pride night.
But approximately 1 hour after the Angels threw the last pitch in a decisive 10-2 victory, several eyewitnesses saw Leibman rollerblading on the warning track in a continuous loop. Sources say Leibman bladed on the warning track around the stadium for approximately 45 minutes.
It is assumed Leibman connected his bluetooth to the PA system, but no sources could confirm. The playlist for Leibman’s 45 joyride consisted of musical renditions from Abba Abba, Lady Gaga, BTS and Glee.
“He was yasssing all up in this joint. Short shorts and all,” said one anonymous female source. “You could tell this wasn’t his first time.” She continued.
Despite the general public having favorable opinions on homosexuality, the Texas Rangers remain the lone MLB team to refuse to recognize LGBTQ+ fans l with a pride night. It’s a move that draws equal parts praise and ridicule.
“I stand with the Rangers and all of those of my clan,” Former Braves pitcher John Rocker told reporters over the telephone from his home in Georgia. “It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know we’ll be ridiculed for not celebrating Mexicans?” Rocker continued.
The Rangers are holding a “Mexican Heritage Night” Friday September 23rd.
UPDATE: The Rangers and Leibman are conducting a press conference at 3:00 CT.
In a short 5 minute statement where no questions where no questions were allowed Liebman offered a brief glimpse into his personal life.
“I have been rollerblading for over 3 decades and the activity itself has helped me cope with many hardships in my life. For example, when I was 12 my father caught me watching Powerpuff girls and not the Texas vs. Texas A&M game. In order to avoid the physical and verbal abuse he was about to unleash on me, I picked up my rollerblades and bladed throughout our small town until his drunken stupor had sent him to a slumber.
In college when girls tried to coerce me into premarital sex, I would cry because I wanted to be in a vagina like so bad but knew I would be condemened to hell if I acted on my impulse. If not for my rollerblades, I am not sure I would’ve had the strength to resist their advances.
If anyone knows the importance of rollerblades in my life it would be my wife Marie Ann. On our wedding night, I was so nervous to finally do what I was put on this earth to do, but I couldn’t…..perform adequately. To clear my head, I grabbed my rollerblades and bladed down to my lifelong friend Zeb’s house who gave me a full body massage to calm my nerves. I can proudly claim that I fucked Marie ann that night right in her vagina. While I may not have climaxed it is all worth it because I know one day I will climax with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
Before answering any questions, Leibman was quickly rushed off the podium. Witnesses say they heard a slight whistle from Leibman’s lower body as he was whisked away.
The Rangers come into Friday’s game with a 22-44 record.