With basketball season ending and baseball heading into the All-Star break I thought that today was one of the first in a while where I had NFL football on the brain.
I always feel like prediction blogs are dumb and really don’t get clicks but at this point I’m doing this shit for me and not you losers.
As many know I am a HUGE Cowboys fan and legit may be the only one on the entire planet that is logical. I know the Cowboys are a failure as a franchise, I know I haven’t seen a Super Bowl in my lifetime, I know it all. This is what qualifies me to give nice unbiased takes when it pertains to the Dallas Cowboys.
WEEK 1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This will be a nice humbling L. The Cowboys will come out flat, Tom will dice us up and a late 4th quarter push from Dak will lead to NOTHING.
WEEK 2: Cincinnati Bengals
This is a game we should win on paper, however the paper doesn’t make a fucking difference. Joe Shiesty and the boys will tears us apart with a second half comeback pushing the boys to 0-2.
Week 3: New York Giants
Cowboys win this one handily. Coming off of 2 straight losses McCarthy smashes his watermelon and the boys rally for a sound victory.
Week 4: Washington Commanders
Another HUGE W. The Commies are going to be so bad with Carson 2 Ankle Sprain Wentz. These are the games however that we lose and act like we didn’t expect anything different.
Week 5: Los Angeles Rams
If things are going the way I want after this week Jerry will officially put fat boy McCarthy onto his radar and will be looking to replace him with Sean Payton. (I’m begging you)
Week 6: Philadelphia Eagles
This will be our first division test but I do see us edging out the Eagles. While adding AJ Brown is scary I just have to see this team on the field before I claim them to be world beaters.
Week 7: Detroit Lions
W. (It’s the Lions)
Week 8: Chicago Bears
We should skull fuck these losers. One of the worst teams in all of football and they don’t really deserve to share a field with us.
Week 10: Green Bay Packers
This fucking game WILL test my patience. This is a scenario in which we will be wining and winning BIG going into the half and I can totally see Dak coming out and throwing a pick along with a bad performance from Zeke allowing Rodgers to start the comeback of all comebacks leading me to be depressed and hungover at work the next day.
Week 11: Minnesota Vikings
I can’t tell what I should expect from the Vikings. New coach but still all of the same weapons which is good, however it means you still have Kirk Cousins. I lean towards the boys here seeing we’ll need the bounceback from the Packers.
Week 12: New York Giants
This is a super easy win here. The Giants will have given up on the season and we should roll right on through them.
Week 13: Indianapolis Colts
This will be a sick ass test before the playoffs. If we win and play smash mouth football I will have a huge dick looking forward to a sick playoff run.
Week 14: Houston Texans
Easy claps here.
Week 15: Jacksonville Jaguars
Again, easy CLAPS.
Week 16: Philadelphia Eagles
We will lose this game. Eagles will come in and beat our teeth in allowing us no room to get better and hopefully knocks us back into reality.
Week 17: Tennessee Titans
Titans will be a tough test, I see us coming out on top due to the lack of weapons the Titans have.
Week 18: Washington Commanders
This could be a loss if we’ve clinched our spot in the playoffs with backups but other than that situation I see us whooping ass.
FINAL RECORD: 12-6
