Mike McCarthy Ruined Thanksgiving

Written by Noah Gagnon

I mean, it really doesn’t get much worse than a 21 point loss to an unnamed franchise at home on Thanksgiving. Like yeah this season’s been a real shit show, but I think we’ve finally hit rock bottom. I don’t understand how it’s physically possible to have the abundance of talent this Cowboys roster has, yet still come out and play with intensity and skill of a euthanized dog.

In reality, it wasn’t the shittiest of performances in the beginning, but when they dialed up that ABOMINABLE fake punt, we all knew it was curtains.

What the fuck was that? Like hey assholes the point of a fake punt is to catch the defense off guard, you kinda lose that ability when the play takes 12 fucking hours to develop. Then, of course, Antonio Gibson takes the next play for 6, in yet another resounding indictment on this trash run defense. Antonio Gibson?!?!? That sounds like the guy who works behind the counter at a subpar pizza place, yet the defense made him look like prime Barry Sanders today.

And then if we wanna look at the offensive play-calling, that was a damn atrocity as well. I think they drew up about 17 different screen passes to Gallup and Lamb, all of which went for no more than 2.5 yards. I know its not McCarthy technically calling the place, but Kellen Moore had a sick week 17 game at QB one time, so he gets the benefit of the doubt in my mind and the blame shifts to fat Mike.

On top of it all, Zack Martin got hurt, leaving the offensive line comprised of runaways from the local fat camp and soon to be nomadic farmers, Zeke fumbled again today, and seemingly has no interest in holding on to the football, and the man who’s supposed to lead this team into overcoming all this has the intelligence of my dead goldfish (RIP Clark).

Despite all the pain, I’m a naturally positive person, and my hopes aren’t dead yet. Call it blind optimism, but the schedule’s still soft, they’re only a game out of first, and the refs did shaft them on a few calls today. McCarthy should get canned, but I’m still holding out hope that a playoff game is hosted in big D.

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About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.