Kyrie Irving Burns Sage at TD Garden, Asserts Dominance Over the Entire City of Boston

Written by Noah Gagnon

In the spirit of the fullest transparency, I had to research the significance of burning a sage before writing this. According to WebMD, burning a sage is a tradition started by the Native Americans to cleanse a person or space. WebMD said that by the way, so you know its some real medical shit.

You might be thinking that its completely useless to do this, especially before a preseason game that Kyrie is only gonna play a quarter in. But if you think that the voodoo gods probably hate you so jokes on you, idiot. And you know what? Nets vs Celtics on Christmas Day, bitches. Now all the bad juju of Kyrie’s past is gonna be burned into the rafters of the Boston Garden, and he’ll be mentally cleared to score 80 on Christmas Day.

Honestly though, Kyrie Irving is truly the most misunderstood person in all of sports. People think this stuff is divisive, they think its a me first mentality, they say it destroys locker rooms, but I’m telling you this is the most united team Kyrie’s ever played on. He was playing in Lebron’s shadow in Cleveland, traded to a team with a bunch of young talent who hated him in Boston, now in Brooklyn he finally gets with his team and his guys.

Is all this shit weird? Absolutely, no denying that. But this narrative that its just a ploy to give himself attention is completely off based. Kyrie truly believes in this weird spiritual shit. Hell, he went on instagram live, sat indian style and started playing a fucking gong. NBA stars don’t just make assholes out of themselves like that, that’s just who Irving is, he really believes in this stuff. If he wanted attention he’d hanging out with rappers and dating porn stars, he’s not casting a spell on all of Boston for attention he’s doing it because he truly thinks it’s the right thing to do.

One more thing, please explain to me how Kyrie being into this voodoo shit harms the locker room. Like we’re not in the fucking crusades here I don’t think he’s holding Jarrett Allen hostage until he prays to Jobu or whoever he believes in. I’m pretty sure Kyrie can light off as many sages as he wants, as long as he’s going 7/8 from deep and the Nets are winning by 25 (which will happen quite frequently within the next few months).

About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.