In an exclusive hour-long interview centered on Amber Heard, Gal Gadot and His plans for the future, Jesus Christ of Nazareth finally broke his millennium-long silence. But before he could share his ancient wisdom, the Big Man Upstairs (or whatever other euphemism you want to use) had to learn how to use modern technology.
“Sorry, I’m new to all this,” he said as he adjusted his webcam and navigated the Zoom window.
“Let Me know if you can’t hear Me.”
After assuring Him I could see and hear Him, I opened the floor to let Him get some things off His chest.
“I just want to let Amber know that, in this league, if you bite the hand that feeds you, don’t be shocked when that hand retaliates,” Jesus said.
Of course, Jesus is talking about the physical attributes He gifted upon Heard, who men and women alike have sexually salivated over since the early Aughts. She has been seen often in the minds of millions of men during their most vulnerable moments, according to Jesus.
“If I had a shekel for every time one of y’all pleasured yourselves to her, I would’ve had way more than 12 followers,” He said.
Despite all the gifts Jesus bestowed upon her, Heard believes the idea of Him is outlandish.
“I know Christianity, especially Catholicism, like the back of my hand,” Heard said, “and my education has given me the freedom to know that it is completely absurd for me to believe it.” Heard said in an interview.
After Heard’s tumultuous past year, Jesus decided to speak up.
“Quite frankly, I thought it was bullshit,” He said. “I don’t fuck with those like her on that Judas shit, so I thought I would send her a message.”
That message came in the form of a guilty verdict in the defamation case filed against her by her ex-husband Johnny Depp. Heard was found guilty of defaming him by accusing him of assault during their relationship. The jury ordered Heard to pay Depp more than $10 million in damages.
Jesus declined to get into specifics when asked how He conducted this vengeance, saying He would not answer any further questions regarding Heard.
The spectrum from gorgeous to heinous is seemingly never ending when it is applied to the physical appearances of some humans on Earth. Personally, I’ve seen both ends and my breath was taken away both times. I want to know the mindset of Jesus when He is in creation mode.
“What is your mindset typically like when you are creating?” I ask the Son of God.
“Rarely do I take my time,” He said. “Usually I take a quick glimpse of the parents, and just wing it. Then check the boxes when it comes to the other stuff.”
“Is there one creation you took your time on that our readers would recognize?” I ask.
“Gal Gadot, without question. I slaved over her for hours.” Jesus responded. “She’s from my neck of the woods, so I wanted her to look good and represent. One day when people think of Zionists, they’ll think of her. That makes me proud.”
Asked about His most shameful creation, Jesus shifted uncomfortably.
“I’m not sure,” He said. “When I’m in creation mode, it’s usually toward the end of my day. I’m already exhausted and just want to get out of the office so my uglier creations are indicative of those days.”
“Looks like it was a long day at the office when your turn came around, huh?” Jesus joked.
Jesus has notoriously failed to make public appearances or interviews since his crucifixion in 33 AD. It begs the question: why now?
“Well, I’ve been talking about it for centuries with Mary, and given the current state of global affairs, I figured it is now or never.” Jesus responded.
The logical follow-up: What’s next?
“I definitely want to start a podcast,” He said. “There’s so many lies out there about me. I at least want a platform to respond to them.”
Jesus does not have a name for the podcast but confirmed His wife Mary would be the cohost.
“Every now and then I like to fuck around and remind the Gentiles I’m still that dude,” Jesus stated.