If You Don’t Gamble, Don’t Gamble

Written by Riley Banks

There’s simply no reason to gamble if you don’t already do it.

Like most people, I constantly strive to be somebody I am not. Despite this failing time and time again, I figure one of these days I’m going to pick up a hobby that I can run with. That day has not come. When I saw Iron Man for the first time, I went home and took apart one of my Ps3 controllers to see if I just instinctually understood complex mechanical engineering. I ended up just being down a controller.

It’s becoming clear that I will never learn my lesson. Last week I was at the bar at noon on a Tuesday, because things are going great. There were three old Irish dudes betting on horse races in the corner of a bar. I thought to myself, “I’d love to be an old Irish dude in the corner of a bar, and what’s the easiest way to achieve that? Start gambling”.

I’d been fighting off gambling for a while. Everyone I know gambles, the internet is exclusively for gambling content at this point, so why shouldn’t I? Is it because I had to wipe with a paper towel this morning? Is it because I don’t get paid until tomorrow and can’t afford to buy toilet paper so I gotta use paper towels all day at the risk of significant anal fissures? Is a lack of even remotely disposable income reason enough to not gamble? Apparently not.

I thought I had a good shot. There’s a thing called beginners luck, and it’s total horse shit. Not even remotely true. Beginners notoriously suck at things, that’s the reason that title is given. However not only was the false notion of beginners luck getting ready to fuck me in the ass, so was God.

I placed a total of four (4) bets this week. I lost them all. I won’t bore you with all of them, because hearing about other peoples bets is the same as listening to someone tell you about the running back they put at the FLEX spot in fantasy. Unless you’re talking about your bets. I was big time against any betting talk right up until I placed one of my own, then it was like I ripped three lines off the back of a toilet seat. Couldn’t wait to break down every aspect of a game I had absolutely no interest in watching otherwise. But I’ll only talk about the two bets which made it clear that my gambling angered God:

Pats/Ravens o44 -115

Felt real good about this one. Cam Newton vs. Lamar Jackson is absolute over city. At least that’s what my brain told me. I don’t know why my brain says things like ‘over city’ and I try to repress that as much as possible. But for a while my brain was looking pretty good. There were 40 points on the board going into that fourth quarter. That’s when God came along to fuck me in the ass:

A typhoon that could wash a Japanese fishing village right into the Pacific. In Foxboro. In November. All hope was lost. The ball was lubed up like it was getting ready for an Adriana Chechik massage video. One with multiple masseuses. Offense was futile. And my gambling career looked to be over.

Bears ML +160

Last night was my last shot. If I lost four consecutive bets I was out. I sunk my entire toilet paper fund on this game. A Bears win was the difference between a lengthy gambling career or bloody wipes until February.

Once again, the first half looked real promising. And then the Bears decided to stop having an offense all together.

But there was still a chance. It all came down to one final drive in the last minute of the game. No rain in the forecast, Nick Foles with the ball, best known for his gigantic penis. What was God possibly gonna do? Surely not fuck me in the ass, Not with Nick’s monster dick hogging up the airwaves:

If someone who didn’t watch the game were to see this shot, surely they’d presume Nick Foles to be dead; murdered by God. That is the panning-up-from-above shot that is reserved solely for grim death. If you take the rain from the Pats game and this Nick Foles injury and put them together, my gambling weekend was basically Adam Sandler’s death in Click:

So if you gamble, good. I hope God is much more of a gentle lover in your endeavors. But if you don’t gamble, you already know you’re not gambling guy, don’t test God. Because if you do you’ll end up laid out in the rain, not realizing you just made your last good movie.

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About the author

Riley Banks