If USC Hires Greg Schiano I will never emotionally recover

Written by Noah Gagnon

In case you haven’t heard, USC fired their coach about 20 minutes into the season. So naturally, the hottest job in college football is attracting the sport’s biggest names. I’m talking Urban Meyer, James Franklin, Mario Cristoball …… and Greg Schiano. And as a Rutgers fan and student, the fact that Schiano’s name is on this list scares the living shit out of me.

If Gregory Schiano gets offered the USC job and accepts it, it will be the worst day of my life. Bar none, the worst day of my life. Hell, if he even does an interview with those California douche bags I’ll be sent down a spiral of deep, dark depression, so I really hope he tells these assholes to kick rocks. He’s a Jersey guy through and through, the first time he saw the metrosexual betas that inhabit southern California he’d be longing for the days of white trash Rutgers guidos lining the streets of New Brunswick. It just can’t happen.

Imagine this, you’re a Rutgers fan, ok? First off, congratulations, it’s actually kinda fun once you accept it for what it is. You win the 1869 national championship, riding high, loving football. Then, for the next 150 years, you’re terrible, you invented football and now you suck at it. Life sucks. Then, in 2000, an Italian from Ramapo rolls into town and turns the whole god damn thing around. You’re getting ranked, playing in big games, winning bowl games, after 150 years of shit YOU’RE BACK. Then, the guy that turns the program around leaves to go to the league, and right back to the shitter you go. You’re the laughing stock of college sports for the ensuing decade.

BUT, after his ten absences, Greg Schiano returns. He hits the recruiting trails. He’s winning games. RUTGERS IS BACK. Annnnndddd thennnnnn, he leaves and coaches USC and you go right back to the dumpster, probably get bounced from the BIG 10, and spend the rest of eternity playing the Lehigh’s, and the Bucknell’s, and the Lafayette’s of the world. That’s the scenario we’re facing, and if that happens, I will transfer from this school, and follow Greggy to USC. Where daddy goes, I go. I’m not waiting around for whatever shithead this trashbag university brings into coach the football team. It’s Schiano or nothing.

About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.