The date was September 15th, 1995 and at 1:12 AM a trashchild was born into this world at 6lbs 8oz (so close to being instantly funny).This trash child was given a blue beanie and his father said “fuck that charger blue cap, use this” as he handed the nurse a black Oakland Raiders beanie… little did that father know he was cursing his young son for life.
Now to my point on why growing up as a trashchild raiders fan isn’t child abuse. First off, its hard to abuse someone who had to go through the Jamarcus Russel years. If you grew up a Raiders fan from 2007-2009, you learned that football won’t kill you because if it were to kill you, it would have in that time frame. Secondly, being a raiders fan teaches you about how to party win or lose, because at the end of the day we are getting fucked up. You learn that the word family doesn’t only apply to blood relatives.
Example: my biological uncle is a chargers fan. I don’t call him family and if it were up to me, he’d move north of the wall like ol cuzzie Jon Snow, but I also have a dude I call uncle Pac who grew up 8 hours away from me and looks nothing like me, and speaks completely different than me. He might as well be my uncle because I hate my Phillip Rivers–loving uncle and his bullshit powder blue jersey he wears to Walmart every Sunday…. FUCK YOU RAY.
Okay, on to the learning math portion of growing up a raiders fan. You always know how many you have to win to make this year a “good year” and how many losses till you get a top 5 pick. This tone is always set around week 3. You can basically tell by then which you need to pay more attention to. The colors silver and black make even the fattest of men look skinnier than they really are and everyone copies the black uniforms to look more like the raiders, come on Detroit and Arizona… DO BETTER!!
All and all, being a raiders fan is like having a genetic defect. You wear nothing but black and you scream at the TV no matter what happens. You talk endlessly about Kenny Stabler and how the tuck rule WAS A FUMBLE, you praise Al like he was a god because he was, and you love to say FUCK (insert team name) THEY GETT ALL THE CALLS….
At the end of the day if you grew up a raiders fan you grew up with more passion than any Patriots fan, more class than Bills fans, better food than Chiefs fans, and less fucks to give than any other fan base because guess what?!RAIDER NATION FOR LIFE