OAKLAND,CA- The Oakland A’s turned the baseball world upside down this week when it was announced Stomper, the official mascot would taking his talents to the popular amateur pornographic website OnlyFans.
“Stomper approached me in the Spring with the idea and quite frankly I thought it was ingenious. No other team is doing this.” General Manager David Forst told reporters prior to Tuesday’s game against the Mariners. “I mean really does anybody give a fuck? There’s no kids at our games. All I see in the stands are autistic pink haired ladyboys who think we’re staying in Oakland. Take it from me. We’re going to Vegas as soon as possible and Stomper is gonna be accustomed to the sin city lifestyle by the time we get there.” Forst rambled between taking sips out of his flask.
While onlyfans is without a doubt profitable for females, it is not as clear cut for males. But as Stomper shows in his first post he’s not like every other mascot.
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“Take you out to the ballgame, then back to the crib for that head game”
“If he can make us some money to get a goddamn ice machine in here I don’t care if he’s turning tricks to every crackhead in California.” Said Manager Mark Kotsay when asked about Stomper’s online exploits.
One of the poorest teams in baseball, the A’s should not be opposed to potential revenue stream. However, of North America’s 4 major sports no league values their image in society more than Major League Baseball. Some fans are disappointed to see what the A’s and Stomper have had to resort to.
“As a lifelong A’s fan, it’s embarrassing to say the least,” 63 year old they/them and lifelong season ticket holder Janice Wright said. “Stomper if you’re watching this, its not too late to change. Don’t become a slave to money. We still love you,” they stated, fighting back tears.
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“Ain’t no rubber gonna be near your mound tonight girl.”
“Weee’re liiight years aheaddd of the rest of league. Its what the Oakland Athletics have done for years babbbby!” Forst slurs from his Ford Bronco in the parking lot following a 7-2 loss against the Mariners. Forst peels out of the lot going and proceeds to go up the exit ramp.
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“Lumber heavy in that box, she heavy off that hash. In Oakland all we do is bash.”
-StomperRightInThePussy
At time of publication, Stomper has 803 subscribers at 9.99/mo totaling $8,021.97 per month.
