In a world where some people believe the earth is hollow and that the Apollo moon missions were faked, is it difficult to believe that some people think the current coronavirus situation is a hoax or worst, a calculated effort to subjugate humanity? As always, your ace investigative reporter has spared no effort or expenses (thanks to Pro Sports Extra’s generous expense account) in determining what the real deal is. Join me now as I rank the current coronapocalypse conspiracy there’s, ranking them from bat-shit crazy to plausible.

Once upon a time, people had to rely on tabloids like The National Enquirer or advice columnists like Ann Landers for the latest conspiracy theories. Thanks to the Internet, everyone has a voice and they’re not afraid to use it. Here are a few of the ones that caught my eye:

1. The coronavirus is caused by 5G towers. Cell phones have become a cause for concern not only with outrageous monthly bills (and never-ending and more expensive upgrades), but that they may cause cancer. Now, it appears some people believe the newest generation of cell phone technology has led to the spread of COVID-19. Digital Trends explains the rationale:

The latest generation of cellular network technology, 5G, has inspired conspiracy theories in the past, with people claiming the radio waves can cause cancer, among other things. Now that the coronavirus is the biggest public health crisis in the world, conspiracy theorists are claiming that 5G is contributing to the problem, either by weakening peoples’ immune systems or even transmitting the virus. The theory is getting boosted by celebrities like Woody Harrelson, and arsonists have set fire to a number of 5G antennas in the United Kingdom, prompting YouTube to remove 5G conspiracy videos.

Verdict: Plausible with booze. I could believe this one if I was seriously drunk. Technology is scary and there are numerous examples of wonder drugs that maimed or killed or technology that is be helpful most of the time, but harmful in a select few instances (older readers will remember that early microwaves could negatively affect people with pacemakers). Are 5G towers safe? I’d argue it’s too early to tell, but I’m not convinced it’s spreading coronavirus.

Once upon a time, a microwave oven could be a death sentence.

2. The coronavirus is a bioweapon. Given what we know of humanity’s willingness to weaponize anything, it’s no shocker that people think the current pandemic was whipped up in a test tube. A recent story from The New Yorker sums things up nicely:

One widely circulated notion is that China engineered sars-CoV-2 and deliberately released it as part of a plan to bring down the world economy and increase its own power. This doesn’t make sense scientifically, since sars-CoV-2 has the hallmarks of a virus that emerged naturally, rather than one that was engineered. The theory doesn’t even make sense on its own terms: Why would China release such a thing in its home territory first, rather than sending agents on a plane? And how could it count on the weakness of the response in other nations, including this one? (As an example of how politically and jingoistically malleable such theories are, many in China believe that the United States engineered and spread the virus, using a bicycling G.I. who attended the Military World Games, which were held in Wuhan last October, as a vector.)

Verdict: Plausible This is an example of how something plausible can be twisted into a very convincing conspiracy theory.

3. Bill Gates is Gonna Get You: Microsoft’s track record of screwing over the public is likely part of the reason people distrust Bill Gates (his incredibly poor fashion sense and bowl haircuts are no help either). Bill is catching more flak than former Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump did when he allegedly suggested ingesting disinfectant as a corona-cure. There are several theories surrounding Billion-Dollar Bill with The New York Times reporting:

Widely shared, Instagram posts falsely suggested that the coronavirus was planned by Bill Gates on behalf of pharmaceutical companies

That’s not all. The New York Post noted another Gates theory:

The Microsoft co-founder has been the target of trolls and truthers who claim the billionaire planned the pandemic for his own gain. Believers of this one think that when we eventually have a vaccine to prevent COVID-19, Gates will use the opportunity to inject trackers into everyone’s bodies.

Bill Gates may be many nefarious things (or he may just be a very misunderstood computer nerd), but he doesn’t need to make any more money unless he’s decided to unleash a global pandemic so he can financially benefit and donate it to charity.

Verdict: Bat-shit crazy. Bill Gates may be many nefarious things (or he may just be a very misunderstood computer nerd), but he doesn’t need to make any more money unless he’s decided to unleash a global pandemic so he can financially benefit and donate it to charity.

4. It’s a New World Order plot: The New World Order has become a convenient scapegoat for everything. Sure, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall were all known for holding younger wrestlers back, but to blame a world-wide pandemic on them, that’s a stretch.

Verdict: No longer plausible. If this was 1996 or even 1997, I wouldn’t put anything past Hall, Hogan, or Nash. None of them have the backstage stroke they once did so this one’s a no-go.

WCWs infamous New World Order

5. It’s a ruse to corral Satanists. According to The New York Post:

Perhaps the most out-there claim by online nuts is the idea that lockdowns are a way to round up Satanists. What better way to rid the world of blood sacrifices than by forcing everyone inside and arresting the evildoers one by one?

VERDICT: Bat-shit crazy. This is one of the most bizarre theories as traditionally, devil worshippers are usually the cause of various atrocities and the government is woefully inadequate and/or infiltrated by them to do anything. This one is unbelievable.

The Medical Profession Speaks Out: Naturally, not everyone is on board with these theories. A recent story at BuzzFeed News featured a story about nurse Eric Sartori and his reaction to the COVID-19 conspiracy theories:

“While we’re busy working to save people’s lives we’re also growing really concerned about the conspiracy theory BS that’s seeming to become a bigger problem than #covid19,” he wrote.

“If you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about it’s okay to just shut the fuck up right NOW. This is not a joke.”

Hard to argue with thinking like that. What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.


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