Confession: I Despise A Toddler On My Facebook Newsfeed I Have Never Met

If you have read any of my work by now, you know that I am a person who likes to mix it up with people. I typically try not to throw the first punch (unless you are a celebrity that I don’t know or like) (alright, who are we kidding, I throw the first jab very often), but when I get hit with a light tap, I come over the head with a wrecking ball. It is a character flaw that I have tried to work on in my personal life, but as Alessia Cara once said, it is the scars that make us beautiful.

Now, sometimes I swing below the belt (almost exclusively), but if you are going to take a swing at the king you best be prepared for a 1/2 combo that will make you dizzy. Not seen on this earth since the fury of OJ Simpson. In the 1973 season, him and Larry Watkins just tore up AFC defenses in the backfield, handling everything in their sight and coming back two fold with aggression. What a running back! Where was I? Ahh yes, my fued with a 3 year old child.

Unfortunately, I think it would be unkind to detail any information of the child and how I know them, but just let me tell you that when I see that fat faced fucking demon on my newsfeed, it boils my blood with rage. He is just such a little fuck. I would liken him to that stereotypical scene in tv shows when the white suburban housewife is at the grocery store talking to a friend from town and you have the little kid in the background of the scene knocking over shelves and his mother just continues on bragging about him. However, like an overturned Honda Civic on the shoulder of the NJ Turnpike on the morning commute, I can’t look away to see the wreck every single time.

I can’t really define why I do not like this child, maybe it is because every single time I see him/her in a picture or video they are screaming at the top of their lungs, red faced like an Irishman drinking away his sorrows. This fat faced little fuck just gets me all riled up when I see a post about them, tucked underneath numerous posts of housewives shitty cooking, and baby boomers gambit of complaints in their statuses about the impending socialism, there they are. It is almost like those parents do it on purpose, knowing how enraged I will be to see their child on my newsfeed.

Although this all feels a bit callous, I can’t be the only one, right? I imagine one day they will grow up to be a fine member of society and tweet something wrong once and I will come after them as a fully grown adult. The circle of life my friends.

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