Clare Crawley Would Hate me if I was a Contestant on The Bachelorette

I just finished watching episode two of The Bachelorette 2020, and wow, what an episode. We’ve got strip dodgeball, we’ve got confrontation, we’ve got deep tongue kissing, and we’ve a guy named Blake acting like he’s burn the whole place down.

Despite being an action-packed, sensational episode, my glaring takeaway is how deeply Clare would despise me if I was a contestant. I mean, wow, would this chick be repulsed by me. Its only natural to watch The Bachelorette and think “what would I do here?” And unfortunately for me, my pig brain only leads me to conclusions that would have me sent home faster than the Minnesota Twins in the playoffs.

Although I’m sure there would be infinity reasons for Clare to bounce me off the show (low emotional intelligence, being 20 years younger than her, lack of sex appeal to name a few) two main reasons really stood out to me. I would’ve acted like such an asshole during Clare’s scolding on the first group date, and during the dodgeball game on the second group date, that I think I might have went down as the most disappointing contestant in Bachelor history.

For those who may not have watched, or as I like to call them, fucking losers, let me fill you in on the stunt Clare pulled on the first date. She did the toast at the first cocktail party, and after roughly seven seconds of post-toast awkwardness, she proceeded to go on a tirade against the men. She claimed that their silence indicated a lack of motivation to love her, and questioned the gentlemen’s intentions.

Wow would I have messed this situation up. For reference, the contestants reacted to Clare’s scolding as if someone told them they had 2 weeks to live, I however, would have certainly laughed through the whole thing. Like, Clare, there was like four seconds of awkwardness here, and she reacted like every guy stood up and took turns spitting on her forehead. A complete overreaction in my opinion. But, Clare seems to be looking for a guy who’s gonna sympathize with her BS complaints, and I think my laughter and dismissiveness would have got me sent home before she even finished her unimportant rant.

Where Clare’s hatred for me would really manifest would be in the Dodgeball game. For context, there was a 5v5 dodgeball game to determine which 5 men got to attend that nights cocktail party. Before the game, however, there appeared to be a scrimmage of sorts in which Clare herself participated in.

If I was there, Clare better pray that I wasn’t opposing her, because if I was there’s a 100% chance I’d be whizzing balls at her. Accuse me of being overly liberal here, but I’m all for Gender equality. I don’t care if you’ve got a penis, vagina, both, or neither, if you’re opposing me on the dodgeball court I’m willing to get Tommy John surgery trying to eliminate you. So, I assume after one rocket off the stomach Clare would have enough of me and send me packing, but at least I’d always have the one up on her on the dodgeball court.

So yeah, I’d be pretty shitty at The Bachelorette, but hey, I couldn’t do any worse than Brandon, that guy sucked.

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About the author

Noah Gagnon

19-year-old student. MMA Enthusiast. 2014 Bedminster Middle School Boys Mile Run Second Place. BJJ White Belt. Kind Guy.