We all know the story, Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt recreate a 1950’s movie with a modern spin. A wholesome family film about a husband and wife, married for 23 years, going through the hilarious struggles a couple endures when they fail to practice safe sex and bring 12 lives into the universe.

Tom Baker, a loving father and husband, is plucked from his small DIII head coaching job to overtake a DI football program in the city. Kate, the other lovely half of this college sweetheart fairytale, is a writer. Upon moving into their new home in a new city, Kate finally lands a huge deal on her book, which ironically shares the same name as the movie you’re enjoying with your boo on the couch during a chilly February weeknight.

The family adjusts to a new life in a new town and at the end of the day, despite their differences and a runaway scare with their red-headed (step)child, family trumps all as they come together before the credits roll. A beautiful PG movie with a few laughs along the way right? Right??

I’m sorry folks, I’m not sure that’s right. I want to believe that everything on the surface is as charming as it seems, but I think there is a deep rooted truth we have all overlooked in the 17 (seventeen!!!) years since this box office monster dropped.

I’m not going to make you wait any longer. I’ll come right out and say it. Tom Baker is a cuck. A lovable, kooky, whacky, lighthearted cuck. It hit me like a ton of bricks in the year 2020. I was on my couch with a bunch of my cousins on a lazy winter morning when I picked up my Comcast remote and said “free movies”. Up pops the free movies section (what an invention right? I can just tell my clicker what to do instead of go through the hassle of clicking the on demand button then scrolling right two or three clicks to find the free movie section. Score 1 for Xfinity) and after a minute or so of searching we find Cheaper By the Dozen. A movie ripe for quoting in my family, we decided to watch. Little did I know that what I once enjoyed as a comedy, would soon experienced as a horror film.

Kate reminisces the story of her and Tom’s journey as parents. A bench warming wide receiver falls in love with the head cheerleader at college, tale as old as time. They get married and Shake McGuire, the star quarterback at Tom and Kate’s alma mater, was Tom’s best man.

Soon after marrying, the lovely couple started popping out kids. 9 to be exact after a set of unexpected twin girls. Tom was still chugging along at his DIII school and Kate had quit her job. Meanwhile, Shake continued his path of crushing life and was named Athletic Director of his alma mater. Tom and Kate made the trip back to celebrate his promotion and after “too many beers” Kate fell pregnant again with the couple’s tenth child. That was the magic number for the Baker’s as Tom headed to the doctor’s office to get snipped.

This is where things got fishy for me. After the vasectomy, Kate gave birth to twins. Now I know a simple google search shows that it can take two months for the procedure to take full effectiveness and that’s fine and dandy but through all my years of research watching sitcoms where the man gets his boys clipped he is in no shape to hop back in the sack after such an invasive experience.

So here is where my mind starts to wander. As the movie pushes forward I can’t help but think how crazy the whole situation is and how undeniably happy the married couple is.

Shake visits Tom and decides to offer him the head coaching job at their old school. A DI powerhouse, a 5 year contract, moving expenses and a new house. Even Jon Gruden would have a tough time turning that offer down.

Here’s where my brain starts turning. Why would Shake do that? He’s taking a huge risk signing an unproven DIII football coach with zero DI coaching experience to lead his team, which has faced struggles as of late. It’s an especially strange move for a brand new AD. Typically, a man in Shake’s position would want to go after a big name like a former NFL coach who needs to rebuild his brand. Think John Harbaugh with Michigan. Not Shake though. Just hands his old pal the keys to the castle.

As the last of the moving boxes are unpacked Kate finds herself in position for a book tour. She goes off and travels the nation as Tom is somehow expected to take care of the 11 kids still living under their roof while also coaching a DI football team to a Bowl game. Strange timing, no? To put your husband, who you uprooted your family for, in that position?

The entire situation seems off. Why did Kate leave her new home where they moved for Tom to pursue his dream so she could promote a book? Why did Shake offer Tom the job in the first place? Why did Kate and Tom have a 10th kid after visiting Shake for his party, and another set of twins after Tom emptied his gun chamber?

Are all of the Baker children Tom’s? Can we be sure of that? It’s hinted through the movie that Shake had a thing for Kate in college. Did Shake give Tom the job to get Kate closer to him? To get closer to HIS kids? Did Kate run off on that book tour because she was disgusted with the position she put herself and her family in? Because she couldn’t handle the stress of her two baby daddies working in the same locker room? Here’s a live look at you, the reader, putting together the pieces of the puzzle

Maybe she felt like following her heart and jumping into the arms of Shake, but she couldn’t fathom the idea of ripping her family in half. Tom is floundering at home without her, with less and less kids showing up to his game to hold up their “We Love The Coach” sign in the front row. Maybe this is part of Kate’s plan? She’ll be out of sight out of mind while Tom seems to be the one losing control of the family. Mom comes home, things get better, but during the divorce the kids remember how awful of a job dad did so they side with mom. Now Tom is left coaching some terrible DII high school in Detroit and has to travel to Illinois every Christmas to visit Shake and Kate and his kids while overcompensating on gifts he surely can’t afford on a high school coaching paycheck. A paycheck, mind you, that carries an alimony charge to the tune of 12 children.

Kate decides to come home from her “book tour” to a disgruntled family. As a clear rift between Kate and Tom, and Tom and Shake has developed, the gears in my brain were really churning. Kate blew the whole thing up. She couldn’t abandon her family so she abandoned Shake. She came clean to Tom and Tom’s world crumbled. Shake and Tom now have an obvious fracture in their relationship and mutually agree to part ways. Tom tries to get his old life back in an effort to get back to normal. Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written a more dismal tragedy.

I hope I didn’t ruin the movie for you, as it has provided me and millions of others with plenty of laughs. But, somewhere, deep down, I knew something was up with that family. Can you smell that now? Is that salmon or tuna?

Follow me on Twitter @T_Ry25_

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